Lockhartland
by Galahan
Summary: Professor Lockhart has a brilliant idea. At least, he thinks it is. He's building a theme park. And taking his second years on a field trip to it. Not the best of ideas, now is it? Read and Review!


Disclaimer: Don't own it. Except for Lockhartland itself.  
  
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Lockhartland  
  
It was a rather normal April day when the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had a brilliant idea. Well, he thought it was brilliant. Other people might have different opinions. Decide for yourself.  
Anyway, Gilderoy Lockhart intended to carry through with this idea that was rapidly becoming a plan. He jotted something down on a piece of parchment, sent a few owls, and created complete plans. All on the spot. Perhaps not the best way to do things, but we'll come to that later. After all, no one was hurt in the fight between Griffindors and Slytherins that he was completely oblivious to.  
A few weeks later, Lockhart received an owl during his class of Griffindor and Slytherin second years. He immediately opened it. "Might be some one very important, you know," he said. Harry and Ron shot each other disgusted looks while trying not to drown in the puddle Hermione was making drooling at Lockhart.  
As he read the owl, Lockhart's award-winning smile spread across his face. A girl in one of the front desks fainted. No one noticed. "We're taking a field trip!" Lockhart announced with all the excitement of a four- year-old being told they were going to ride the pony at the zoo.  
All the boys in the room groaned with as much excitement as the four- year-old being told they were going to the dentist. The boys remembered the pixies all too well. All the girls, however, got excited. Two more fainted. No one noticed, except for Neville, who, upon watching the girl in front of him faint, decided to join them. If anyone noticed the thud as he hit the floor, they didn't care.  
"In two weeks," Lockhart began, "you will be going on the adventure of your lives!" Ron whispered to Harry, "What? Are we going to watch him smile and take pictures of himself or join Hermione in staring at his bum?" Lockhart either didn't notice or just went on anyway. "Now, things may seem dangerous, but remember, I'll always be there to protect you and you will never be in any real danger."  
Before Lockhart could start rambling on about himself, the bell rang to end class. The boys, except for the still-unconscious Neville, sighed in relief and raced off as quickly as possible. The few girls who were still conscious groaned in disappointment and lingered as long as possible. It wasn't until everyone else was out of the room that Lockhart discovered the four fainters. Apparently he tried to help them himself instead of calling Pomfrey, for no one saw them outside of the Hospital Wing for the better part of a week. Neville was gone for almost two.  
Lockhart hadn't been willing to tell them what the field trip was about or where it was to in advance. So, when the horseless carriages pulled up at a gate decorated with fake gems and painted a tacky gold color with a cheesy sign that read "Lockhartland" and sang a cheerful little ditty, everyone was surprised. They were split up into groups each assigned to a teacher. Ron and Hermione were with McGonagall. Harry was with Lockhart. "Just so you don't go around attracting too much attention."  
As they went through the gate, everyone got a map. The park was shaped like a large 'G' put next to an 'L.' The attractions were: A Trip With Trolls, A Voyage With a Vampire, The Yeti Adventure, The Banshee Banquet, A Holiday With Hags, Invasion!, Who Am I?, and Photo Shoot. Harry's group was scheduled to see the attractions in that order. Other groups went to different things as different times, except for the Photo Shoot, which was at the end for all groups.  
A Trip With Trolls started off tolerably. There was some general background information about trolls, but luckily it was presented in the normal, boring, school-trip format. However, it ended with the words, "Now it's your turn to be the troll hunter." Harry started to get nervous as they were led into a darkened room. The room was full of cheap plants and trees. Harry was getting rather frightened (he was afraid of the dark, you know). Then cheap illusions that Harry guesses were trolls came tearing out from behind the plastic trees. As soon as the illusions got close, they were caught in traps that were cheap illusions. Once all of the trolls were in traps, the lights came back on and a voice said, "Good job, you have captured all of the trolls and saved the village!"  
A Voyage With a Vampire turned out to be a sort of cheap kiddie roller coaster in a falling down building with the interior painted black. Four people got in a little cart with a person dressed in normal clothes with a cheap cape and plastic fangs. However, by the time Harry got in a car, the two 'vampires' were already in other cars. Therefore, Harry got a cardboard cutout of a vampire instead. It was probably scarier than the people wearing 'costumes'.  
As the car went around the track, it passed forests of cheap plastic plants full of more cardboard cutouts of vampires. Harry saw the gap where his cutout had been taken from. As the car got to a point about half way around, Harry saw what looked like mist up ahead. As they went through it, he realized it was cigarette smoke from the second technician. The ride was, thankfully, uneventful, except for Lockhart getting terrified of some especially cheesy cutouts and clinging to Harry. When the ride was over, he claimed to have protected a terrified Harry from the vampires.  
Harry escaped the Yeti Adventure because the snow that the exhibit was supposed to be full of had melted and flooded the place. Apparently the snow had melted because the incredibly cheap cooling spell they'd bought for the place had become a heating spell. Harry guessed that they didn't have to worry about cheap plastic plants or cardboard cutouts in there.  
The Banshee Banquet turned out to be lunch. A rather greasy looking fast food stand was the source of 'food.' It was rather short on customers, Harry noticed. The reason for this was NOT the two girls dressed up as what Harry assumed were banshees but looked more like hags. Bad music was playing over a Muggle loudspeaker that Harry didn't even want to guess the age of or how it had gotten here. That was the most banshee- ish thing about the place. The rest was just gross. Harry decided it was definitely a good time to go on a diet.  
A Holiday With Hags seemed to be a Christmas gift shop. The small group went into a well-lit, cheaply-decorated room that had plastic Christmas trees (surprisingly similar to the ones in the Voyage With a Vampire exhibit) decorated with ornaments that looked like kindergartners had made them and had empty boxes wrapped in cheap red and green wrapping paper. Everybody got a signed picture of Lockhart that was passed out by old ladies wearing old, tattered clothing. The rest of the store was full of pictures of Lockhart in fifty different poses and little knick-knack gifts you never want to get for Christmas but are perfectly willing to give to other people. The prices were rather exorbitant, so Harry didn't even consider getting anything. He saw a picture that he was pretty sure Hermione would come back with, though.  
Invasion! was supposed to be the Wizard's equivalent of laser tag. However, the group before them had broken the last of the cheap targets. Therefore, Harry's group couldn't shoot ineffective spells at plastic gnomes. Harry was brokenhearted.  
Who Am I? was just an outdoor playground with questions about Gilderoy Lockhart on signs. You had to choose the answer you liked best, flip the bottom part of the sign up, and see if your answer was right. Unfortunately those signs were located in the hardest areas to get to. And Lockhart insisted that everyone try every question. However, with ten people on it, the playground creaked ominously. When he didn't fit into the tunnels, was too tall for the monkey bars, and was too wide for the slide, Harry gave up and watched Lockhart race around it like an idiot, despite the fact that he had all of the same problems with it as Harry had.  
The last thing of the day was Photo Shoot. It was exactly what the name implied. Harry got photos taken with Lockhart (the professor insisted on many of these), pictures taken with the banshees (not many of these, as they smelled from their job at The Banshee Banquet), a few with the hags (who turned out to be really nice people, so Harry got extras and gave them a copy), some with the vampires (who smelled like cigarette smoke, so Harry didn't stick along), one with a Yeti (who had nothing better to do since the problem with the cooling spells but had to wear the stupid costume anyway), and one with each of the above named monsters and Lockhart. There was also a group photo of all the Hogwarts students there. By the time they were done, Harry had lots of pretty pink and blue spots in his vision.  
The ride back to Hogwarts included very little other that Lockhart squealing excitedly about all of the 'wonderful' things the park had to offer. Harry, who had gotten stuck with Lockhart in his carriage after there was suddenly a shortage of room in the carriages with the other teachers, quickly cast a silencing spell on Lockhart. He watched in amusement as the professor just rambled on, seemingly unaware of the fact that he was making no noise. Harry decided it was best that way.  
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A/N: Like this? Not like it? Have suggestions? Drop me a review and let me know. 


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